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Annual Weak Bootleg Spader-Man Awards
Hello and welcome to the first annual (and probably only) Weak Bootleg Spader-Man Awards ceremony. An event so monumental, it can only happen once a year! As an aside, I should explain the concept of the Weak Bootleg Spader-Man Awards. Throughout the year, while playing Champions Online, our panel of judges takes a screenshot of each "Spider-Man" that they've encountered. Then, on August 10th (The anniversary of Spider-Man) our judges compile them all together, lock themselves in a room for hours on end and the deliberation begins. After the smoke has cleared and all barf bags are disposed of in a sanitary manner, six winners are determined as well as one grand prize winner. This lucky soul will win the much coveted Golden Spader. Without further ado, let us begin! Our first category is... Sure, we've all seen Spider-Kids and Spider-Teen or Spider-Dudes, but we were looking for some true head-scratchers! Will the winner be Spider-Extreme...or perhaps Aracho-Man? Judges, what say you? Winner: Chutzpah Uh...Chutzpah. Yeah, I'd assume Ol' Webhead is probably Jewish, but naming your weak power-armored bootleg Spider-Man after a Yiddish saying is a bit much. All right, moving along to our next category: Not to leave out our lady Spider-Mans, we've created a special category for bootleg Spider-Women, Spider-Gwens (well, maybe not so much them...) and Spider-Girls. Let's see who the judges felt was deserving of the prize... Winner: Too Haute Woah! That's too haute for me, playa'! She's like if Mary Jane Watson had the symboite Spider-Man outfit attach to her. You're lucky this isn't Weak of the Week, lady, or you'd really get it for being a Superhero in Pants! Speaking of pants, that's what our winner of the next category looks like! This category is for the most obvious, lousy looking bootlegged Spider-Mans our judges had the "pleasure" of catching in-game! These guys are like the boardwalk bootleg action figure Spider-Man. Get a load of this loser, er, winner... Winner: Deadpoo Wow, that's so friggin' bootleg. What were you thinking, I mean, that's just Spider-Man with an ammo belt--hold on, I'm being informed by our judges that this is actually a real marvel character apparently named "Deadpool." Heheh--sorry about that folks, here is your real "winner" Winner: Spidermen Not just one Spider-Man, this guy is apparently so bootleg he had to be plural! I always felt that Spider-Man's outfit needed completely red sneakers and socks to be truly complete, and this crazed genius went and did it! Next up is... Cue the Hans Zimmer music, it's time to get brooding and dark. These guys aren't your friendly neighborhood variety, these Spider-Mans took a turn at Grittytown, entered Nolan-land and are forever changed! Winner: Cursed WHERE'RE-DAH-RABBITS?!?! That's so realistic and gritty! I can just feel the darkness and blackredness seeping from his elongated arms meaty pores! I know a couple of choice words I could say to this guys outfit, which is most likely why his name is Cursed! NEXT! I think these guys are supposed to be Spider-Man...right? If you are trying Spider-Man, you're treading the line. Ah, what the heck, even if you're not, I'll laugh at you anyway! Let's see what "totally original" Spider themed character won! Winner: Baymax Baymax? Is that like a prison or something? Or do you mean Bayman from Dead or Alive? Hold on, I'm being informed that Baymax is the name of the giant robot from the movie Big Hero 6, which I was not aware of because I don't watch sh**ty movies based on crappy 90s comic books featuring Asian stereotypes. Well, anyway, he doesn't look like the Michelin Man, but he does look like Spider-Man, so enjoy the award, Weak-o. It looks like we're almost there, folks, this is the last category before this years big winner! "We've seen a lot of bad outfits tonight so why even have this category", you may be asking yourself. Well, this category is for the worst of the worst when it comes to costume editor abuse! Beat that costume editor like it owes you money! Keep piling on the parts! Winner: Star Spangled Spider Ya know, the strength of Spider-Man's outfit design lies in its simplicity. You can look at it and instantly know what he name and power set are. This outfit is the complete opposite of that. This guy's power? Two Gun Mojo. Star Spangled Spider looks like if Spider-Man and Captain America did a DBZ-styled fusion dance, but botched it by tripping into a pile of used auto-parts, fusing with them as some strange third-party conductor. Witty segway. The moment you've all been waiting for has arrived. This is the one, the only, winner of the most coveted award in the history of mankind: The Golden Spader! Oh, good lord look at that horrendous Photoshop job! This is truly mankind's greatest achievement! A bootleg Spider-Man figure painted gold atop a clip art trophy stand! It just---it just brings a tear to your eye. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself! We don't know who won it! Ladies and gentlemen, your 2015 Weak Bootleg Spader-Man award winner is... Winner: Future Spider THE BOYHOOD DREAM OF FUTURE SPIDER HAS BECOME REALITY! He is the very first winner of the Golden Spader! Look at that shoddy craftsmanship on that outfit. That muscle slider turned all the way down. Those...orange or whatever color that is supposed to be eyes, piercing deep into your soul. Marvel at his forgotten belt! Awe at his tribal tattoo adorning his chest! Get sexually aroused by his pair of sneakers on a superhero costume (please don't!) Whollopin' websnappers, that is one bootleg Spider-Man! You truly deserve this award, Future Spider! Category:Special Feature